EUROPE 2005

EUROPE ON A G-STRING 2005
Not that type of g-string......................I'm a musician and the "G-String" is the third string on a guitar. Anyway, where was I ? For four months, between January and May 2005, I had the unique opportunity to travel throughout Europe. In total, I covered  12 countries and roughly 50 cities and towns. What started out as a joke turned out to be weekly, sometimes daily, account of  my travels. These journal entries, not only highlight and showcase my trip in general, but also focus on some of the weird and wonderful things that happened to me. As the days and weeks progressed, it also exposed my somewhat fragile state of mind. Life wasn’t always  a bowl of cherries. Enjoy……… JANUARY 11TH, 2005 Well it's been 6 days back in the old country and I thought I would update you on my trials and tribulations. It's funny, I've been away for 33 years but it has only taken 6 days to get back into the swing of things, not quite Maui (I miss my fellow Maui Cruisers) but it's still been a ton of fun. THE GOOD THINGS: I'm not a "Beer Drinker" but John Smith's Extra Smooth Beer is absolutely addictive. I am also not a sexist but the half-naked girl on Page Three of The Sun Newspaper is absolutely lovely. Football matches..........Neanderthal Man meets the modern world, the Tube (it doesn't work all the time, the lights flicker on and off but it's a great way to get around), London Transit Staff (considering the volume of traffic, they are so friendly), The Porcupine Pub (home of Mr John Smith), signage on the streets (they very kindly paint "Look Left - Look Right" on the streets and it has saved my life at least three times), Pret A Manger (a great place to eat), barmaids (God luv em......), Tube Buskers (absolutely brilliant - play for thousands and get little financial rewards). THE NOT SO GOOD THINGS: Starbucks, McDonalds and Burger King (and they say British food is bad ?), paying to go to the toilet (wow, what a brainwave especially in a land of beer drinkers), CD prices (roughly $ 30 for a CD unless they are on sale), cell phones (God, they are everywhere), the cost of living (for everything I would pay a $ 1.00 for in Canada. I am paying £ 1.00 - that's 2.35 times MORE EXPENSIVE), transit cards (they very often don't work – thank God the transit workers are friendly), advertising on London Black cabs (that is criminal), the room-mate I had for the first two nights (unbelievable - I guess that's what I get for sleeping in a hostel with a strange guy), knitted Nepalese hats with ear flaps, phone cards (BECAUSE THEY ******* DON'T WORK), people with umbrella's who insist on walking under the store awnings forcing poor sods like me walk in the rain, fish and chips at the YHA Hostel at St. Pancras (even the fish was complaining), the internet cafe at the Burger King (imagine forcing veg heads to frequent a restaurant catering to carnivores). Well you get the point, off to York on Friday, ticket to see Leeds vs Cardiff at Elland Road on Saturday, then back down to London on Tuesday for the auction at Bonhams, then it's down south, back up to Stratford and Manchester and then up to the land of sheep, haggis and guy's in skirts........................Scotland. JANUARY 15TH, 2005 Now I know some of you think I am having the time of my life travelling throughout Britain buying antique jewellery, drinking beer and going to football matches. There is however a thing called balance and it would appear that whenever we experience the euphoria of a truly GREAT DAY, a "Higher Being" decrees that we should experience a TRULY ****** DAY to offset it. Apparently this is so that we can truly recognize and enjoy the really good days (it at least gives us something to compare them to) and the really good days help us handle, and get through, the truly rotten days.  I am saying this because TODAY, was a truly rotten day and I would like to share it with you. Actually it started late last night with THE  ROOM-MATE FROM HELL. This guy has worked 14 weeks in the last 17 1/2 years, believes that Britain has gone to the dogs and wants to take it for every last penny. He is homeless (lucky me) and has lived in hostels for the last 16 months. He loves Holland (he thinks it's the best country in the world), believes he is the best poet in Britain (I guess a pre-requisite is also being a manic depressant) and he has written so many angry letters to Prince Charles, Tony Blair and everyone else in the British Government that he now BELIEVES he is being followed.  Today I spent the day in Leeds. Now I don't want to offend anyone from Leeds or the Tourist Board of Leeds but it is a HELL HOLE. The people are miserable (and I mean MISERABLE), the city is rated one of the "Crappiest in Britain" according to Volume 2 of The Crappiest Towns in Britain (Ben - Luton is apparently first !!!) and the Leeds United Supporters, I encountered, are generally hooligans. I have travelled to many parts of the world and TODAY was the third scariest day of my life.   Number 1 was in the 1970's when a friend and I were trapped in an alleyway in Derby with well over 50 angry Millwall football supporters (Greg had a beer bottle pushed through his cheek), Number 2 was travelling through Sri Lanka at the height of the Tamil problem and Number 3 was being trapped between Riot Police (with night sticks), Riot Police on Horseback (with night sticks) and Riot Police with dogs (and night sticks) at the Leeds vs Cardiff game today. For the record, they drew 1 - 1. Leeds played well for the first 20 minutes and then played awful for the remaining 70 minutes. I have NO IDEA what would have happened if they had lost but that is another story. I hiked back one hour into town (still trembling) and finally managed to find the bus station and the bus back to York. A funny thing happened at the bus station, I had just inserted a one pound coin into the internet machine when seven policemen chased and wrestled a soccer hooligan to the ground right in front of me. An interesting dilemma. I thought about abandoning my one pound coin, I thought about helping the hooligan (seven vs one isn't exactly fair), I also wanted to check my e-mails. In the end, I decided on the latter................. To top off the day, I endured ONE HOUR with a cocaine addict on the bus who sniffled every 6 seconds. How do I know this ?, because I timed him (what else was I to do ?). The longest he went without sniffling was 9 seconds. The bus ride was 1 hour. Simple math will tell you that this guy sniffled 600 times between Leeds and York. The Chinese should hire him because no amount of "Water Torture" could match this experience. If he had not looked like the SOCCER HOOLIGAN, who was wrestled to the ground, I would have killed him. The only good thing about today, Beer is £ 1.00 cheaper in Leeds but that again has a downside. I think most people in Leeds (particularly the ones I came into contact with) are alcoholics !  So...........if you are jealous about the fact that I am travelling throughout Europe for the next four months, remember, it's not all fun.  The final insult today, the pub at the train station charged me 70 pence MORE for a pint of John Smith's than the going rate in town.  The good news, at the moment, there is no-one in my room (they moved me) so I am keeping everything crossed.  Is there a moral to be learnt from my "Day-Trip" to Leeds ? Of course..................  1. DON'T ever go to a Leeds United match unless you are wearing a crash helmut, have several big friends along for the ride and a fast getaway. 2. DON'T go to Leeds..........period..   JANUARY 18TH, 2005 Well here's my second update from four days in Yorkshire.   THE BEST THINGS ABOUT YORKSHIRE:  The city of York (beautiful and historic), the people of York (very friendly), the John Smith's Brewery at Tadcaster, the Page Three Sun Girl, antique hunting, cake shops and school uniforms (Hey......If I had to wear short pants, knee high socks, shirt, tie, blazer and a cap, so should every child up to the age of 18 !). THE NOT SO GOOD THINGS ABOUT YORKSHIRE:  Leeds, Leeds, Leeds, phone cards (see below), Yorkshire Tarts (unlike a Manchester Tart, which is a delectable pastry flan filled with raspberry jam, custard and whipped cream - you'd love it Jeni), a Yorkshire Tart is a young female (16 to 20), who hangs out at the railway station on Saturday nights, with loads of make-up, fake fur jacket, micro, micro denim skirt, no stockings, legs as white as the White Cliffs Of Dover, cheap pink high heels and a major attitude, Young York Boys, also seen hanging out with young Yorkshire girls, are really Leeds United Supporters in disguise.  THE WORST THINGS ABOUT YORKSHIRE:  Riot Police with night sticks, Riot Police on horseback with night sticks, Riot Police with night sticks and police dogs, bottle throwing Leeds United Supporters.  FUNNIEST CONVERSATION:  ME: Excuse me, can you tell me when the next bus leaves for Harrogate ?   LADY AT THE INFORMATION CENTRE: There is no bus to Harrogate.   ME: Ever ? HER: EVER.......................    Poor Harrogate............... There is however a train that somewhat resembles a cattle truck. The only thing missing is the cattle.  MOST BIZARRE CONVERSATION:  In a pub called THREE LEGS in Leeds. HIM: Hey Mister, want to buy a Patsy Cline CD ? ME: Is it legit (meaning legal) ?   HIM: No ME: Is it stolen ? HIM: Yeah (smiling) ME: No HIM: Why not ? ME: Because it's stolen and I hate Patsy Cline. BARMAID: Terry, get the hell out of my pub. BARMAID TO ME: He's such a lad.  SECOND BIZARRE CONVERSATION (Same Pub) TERRY: Hey Mister, want to buy a fur jacket ? ME: Is it real ? TERRY: No ME: Is it legit ? TERRY: No ME: No thanks TERRY: Why ? ME: Because I am traveling, I don't have room in my case and I don't buy stolen goods. BARMAID: TERRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRY ! THIRD BIZARRE CONVERSATION: TERRY (Will this guy just go away): Hey Mister ME: No BARMAID: TERRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRY. FASHIONS: For the ladies, here's what's in: Fake fur jackets, micro, micro denim skirts, furry boots, trainers (runners), leg warmers (perish the thought). Here's what's out: Low rise jeans. BEST STORE NAME: "Knobs and Knockers" in Harrogate. They sell.......you guessed it, door knobs and door knockers. MOST MISSED THING (NON-LIVING): Breakfast at Hilary's Restaurant and my beloved guitar. TIP OF THE DAY: In London, they conveniently post "Look Left, Look Right" on the streets. Elsewhere, they do not, however, I have trained myself to always look right before crossing the road. Now in theory, this should work. In reality, it does provided you are not trying to cross a ONE WAY STREET. I almost got creamed by a guy on a bicycle. He swore at me, in some strange foreign language (I think he was WELSH) and I seriously thought about pretending I was deaf, extending a finger.....or two and using universal sign language. I chose not to stoop to his level and told him to F**K O*F instead. RANT OF THE DAY: Now I'm English so I think I am entitled to take a shot at my fellow countrymen. I also know this won't offend either Ben or Chris. I don't think we really made the greatest colonialists because in certain areas (i.e communications), we just don't seem to have got it right the first time, the second time, the third time, in fact anytime. Case in point, phone cards. Now, in my mind, phone cards are used by idiots like me who travel and DON'T have a cell phone. We use them to keep in contact with friends and family because they can't get a hold of us. A simple principle, works well in most parts of the world, except perhaps Botswana, but it is a tried and true procedure. Not, I am afraid to say, in England (Ireland, I am assured is very different). You see, in England, if you want to get the 7 pence a minute rate and have your phone card actually give you 100 minutes for £ 5.00 you have to call from a HOME PHONE......not a pay phone. You can't use them in hostels and if you do use a PAY PHONE, you get charged about 40 pence  a minute. WHY, because the phone card companies have to use the regular phone lines (I'm assuming British Telecom) so they have to pay them as well. I am not quite sure WHY I am paying the phone card company if all they are doing is acting as a conduit for British Telecom. Anyway, if I ever become Prime Minister of England, I will ban all phone card companies and install carrier pigeons, they work better (apparently), they don't work, in disguise for British Telecom, and they cost considerably less than the £ 5.00 I paid for about 15 minutes of conversation. AND FINALLY.............................. The cocaine sniffer.........I've had breakfast with him the last couple of days because YOU GUESSED IT, he's staying at the hostel AS WELL.  Lucky me................... JANUARY 20TH, 2005 Well I am finally back to the civilized part of the country (no offence to those of you who have lived or have relatives in either Sheffield or Barnsley !!!!).   Here's an update on my latest escapades and observations:  Before I start, I want it to be known that no animals were hurt or killed in the making of this e-mail. STRANGEST P.A ANOUNCEMENT - LONDON TRANSIT  "Attention all passengers. There is a person under the train at Russell Square. All trains between Kings Cross and Green Park are temporarily out of service. Please find an alternate route to your destination. We apologise for any inconvenience this may have caused"  O.K, is it a maintenance worker, did some-one jump or was some-one pushed ? CULTURAL DIFFERENCES  Now I admit, I have dropped some real clangers as I have travelled around the world including putting maple syrup on my fish and chips in Banff, Alberta (because I thought it was malt vinegar) and eating ribs with a knife and fork and then drinking the finger bowl (I didn't know it was for my fingers) but this morning was one of those moments when all you want to do is SCREAM !!!!!  I found myself in the breakfast line-up behind an elderly Chinese woman at the YHA Hostel at St. Pancras. She looked puzzled as she surveyed what was being offered.   Here's what happened......  LADY: What that ? SERVER: Hash Browns. LADY: Hash browns ? SERVER: Yeah. LADY: What hash brownnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnns ? SERVER: Potatoes LADY: Poooooooootatoes ? SERVER: Yeah, potatoes. LADY: Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh SERVER: You want some ? LADY: No  LADY: What that ? SERVER: Baked Beans. LADY: What ? SERVER: Beans that have been baked. LADY: What that ? (Pointing to the sauce) SERVER: The tomato sauce the BEANS have been baked in, want some ????? LADY: No LADY: What that ? SERVER: Veggie sausages. LADY: (Frowning) Sausages ? SERVER: Yeah, sausages made from vegetables (Puzzled look on his face). LADY: (Shaking her head) Ohhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh SERVER: Want some ? LADY: No Now at this point, the server and I looked at each other and in unison, we both looked with horror at the next tray that contained FRIED BREAD. We bonded at that moment.......... Now unless you were born and bred in England, fried bread remains one of the great mysteries of the world. I believe it was invented by a  government official to reduce the country's life expectancy and therefore save the government billions in old age pensions.  ME: (Praying) PLEASE DON'T ASK..................... LADY: What that ? ME: Nooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo SERVER: Fried Bread. LADY: What ? SERVER: Fried Bread. LADY: Toast ? SERVER: No, it's bread that is fried. LADY: Bread that is fry ? SERVER: Yeah, we fry bread in fat, want some ? Now, what do YOU think she said ? SCROLL DOWN       LADY: Yeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeees Moral behind this tale: Nothing is a sure bet in this lifetime.  TIPS ON BUYING A TICKET FROM A TICKET SCALPER: As luck would have it, my favourite band The Frames were playing at the Carling Islington in Islington (where else ?????). Unfortunately, it was sold out and I did not have a ticket. I have, with the notable exception of the Dido concert, become quite adept at buying tickets from scalpers. My reasoning, they have mortgages to pay too and well, I guess I am just too lazy to either line up for tickets or hit the refresh button on my computer trying to buy online through Ticketmaster. The fact that most scalpers are hardened criminals really doesn't factor into the equation. It's all a case of supply and demand. They have the tickets to the shows that I want to see and so, in some weird way, we need each other (or so I thought). There is a strategy to buying from a scalper.  NEVER appear too desperate. Separate your money into different pockets so that as you plead poverty, you don't pull out more money by mistake and give the game  away. Dress down, scalpers love selling to punters who look like they have money. Be polite - remember, you are potentially dealing with a criminal element. Be firm - you have a mortgage or rent to pay as well. Be discreet - In Britain, unlike the brazen scalpers in Vancouver, scalpers are frowned upon and discouraged by the show organizers. So, armed with all this information, I set off for Islington. The doors opened at 7pm so I decided to get to the venue at 5.30pm just to cover all the bases. The venue was situated in a shopping centre (somewhat weird) and there was no-one around. Could I have the wrong night ? or is this the way it is done in Britain ? I decided to stand outside a shop called the NEXT, just down from the venue in case any eagle eyed security guards were on the prowl looking for the ticket scalpers. I think, in hindsight, that I probably looked like a scalper. I had decided to dress in my England shirt, my England jacket and was determined not to let anyone know I was from Canada. That would only drive up the price and create some sense of desperation on my part. Within minutes, a guy in a baseball cap approached me. I have NO IDEA what he said (I think he was either Welsh or from Barnsley). All I know is, he had no teeth and he looked somewhat shifty. Since I had no idea what he was saying, I said:   ME: Ticket for The Frames ? HIM: You selling ? Now this is a tricky question (especially when asked by a ticket scalper) because (a) he could actually be an undercover security guard and arrest you or (b) he might think I was trying to take over his patch and kill me in cold blood- I looked at him for a split second and decided I would rather be arrested. ME: Buying HIM: How many ? ME: One HIM: Yeah, I got one. ME: How much (this is a crucial question). HIM: Dunno ME: What ? HIM: Dunno, me mate has them and he'll be along in 15 minutes.  Now I am not sure why he came without his mate, I suspect his mate wanted to land his buddy in the doghouse just in case there were any over zealous security guards around. Anyway.......15 minutes later: HIM: Here's my buddy. ME: How much ? BUDDY: So where you from ? (what's this, small talk. I want to buy a ticket, not date him !) Now my mind was saying Luton, Luton, Luton, Luton, Luton, Luton, Luton because if I said Canada, I would be well and truly.......screwed. ME: CANADA (What ?) BUDDY: Really, that's a long way to come for a concert ? ME: (Oh Crap............) Yeah. BUDDY: How's £125 sound (that's 10 times the original price) ME: (The blood has now completely drained from my face) £20 BUDDY: £90 ME: £20 BUDDY: £60 ME: £20 BUDDY: £60   There is a point when you have to make a swift decision - do I go up in price or walk away and miss out on a potentially incredible show. ME: £25 BUDDY: £50 ME: £30 (because I really, really, really want to go) BUDDY: £40 ME: £35 BUDDY: O.K, a deal. We shake hands because after all, we want to give the appearance of being friends. BUDDY: My mate will be here in 30 minutes with the tickets.  Hang on, three guys to sell an illegal ticket !!! I sense that perhaps this is a set-up. Make me wait until just before show time and then  hit me up for more cash.   So I hung around, in the bitter cold, for another 30 minutes and sure enough, his mate showed up and the transaction was completed.  Excited about the prospects of seeing one of the best live bands around (I saw them in Vancouver as the support act to Damien Rice), I  headed for the line-up (which consisted of one person - Stephanie from Chicago). Finally others started to show up. In the line-up, I started chatting to a couple from London. She loved the Frames, her partner wasn't quite sure (obviously she wore the pants in this family). I recalled my harrowing encounter with the scalper etc etc and she said: OH YOU COULD HAVE HAD ONE OF MINE, MY FRIEND COULDN'T MAKE IT AND I'VE GOT AN EXTRA ONE ! ME: How much ? HER: (Smiling) £ 12.50  MORAL OF THE STORY: I guess, I am not as good at buying concert tickets from a scalper as I thought. WEIRD SIGNS: In the trains they have a sign that says: CAUTION - TRAIN MAY BE LONGER THAN THE PLATFORM. BEFORE YOU ALIGHT THE TRAIN, PLEASE MAKE SURE THERE IS A PLATFORM BELOW YOU. Now to fully appreciate the stupidity of this sign, you have to be on a GNER train because in order to get off a GNER train, you have to: Pull the window down (which usually sticks), thrust your upper body through this small opening, contort it like Houdini, reach down, pull a lever and push the door at the same time. I think (although I could be wrong), that the FIRST thing you would do, before undergoing this grueling and demoralizing procedure, is check to make sure there is a platform BELOW you. I can imagine a Monty Python skit, people opening train doors and falling at least 10 feet onto the tracks below. Instead of saying "MIND THE GAP", I think Brit Rail employees should shout "WATCH OUT FOR THE BLOODY PLATFORM". Also for the many foreigners who visit Britain every year, why are we using the word "ALIGHT ?" Most people haven't a clue what it means. The fact that trains are designated NON-SMOKING makes it even more ridiculous !  WHY MOST BRITS ARE ALCOHOLICS Do you know that a veggie burger and fries at Planet Hollywood in Leicester Square in London costs £ 9.95 (That's about $ 24.00 Canadian). For the same price, you can buy four pints of beer. BRITISH RAIL Richard Branson of Virgin once defended why he is involved in so many industries by saying that they are either grossly incompetent or  monopolies. In Britain, Virgin operate a train service, this is why.........  It would appear that 99.999999999999999% of all rail travellers reserve a seat. The remaining .000000000000000001% represents ME. To  add to my misery, they also choose to make the aisles 5mm narrower than my largest bag. So, armed with luggage that I can't carry down the aisles, I end up looking for that one elusive seat, on the whole bloody train, that is not reserved. Of course, they don't tell you where it is, that would be too simple. No instead, you are expected to find it on your own. To make matters worse, some people with reservations, sit in your seat because...........well..........they just really want to frustrate the hell out of you. When you finally find it, your luggage ends up at the back of the train and you are seated somewhere near the front. In my case, all my antique jewellery (in my suitcase) was at the back of the train and I was miles away in compartment PLUTO. On the subject of British Rail, lets talk about toilets: They have them but for some reason, the water taps don't work. I tried just about every one and could not get any of them to work. I pulled, pushed, twisted, screamed and begged. I tried everything but not coax one single drop of water from the tap. How odd ? Does that mean that water is not available on GNER trains ? Finally, I spotted a pedal on the floor. Now it's halfway between the toilet and the sink. There's no sign, which probably isn't a good thing. What happens if I step on it ? Maybe it's the emergency brake, maybe it will flush the toilet, maybe, I will be ejected from the toilet and never be seen again. If it is the emergency brake, can you imagine the headlines: GUY IN LOO HITS EMERGENCY BRAKE AND CAUSES NUMEROUS PASSENGERS TO BE THROWN ABOUT THE TRAIN HEADING FROM YORK TO LONDON, KINGS CROSS. NO ONE DEAD, BUT POOR OLD MRS WILLIAMS JUST HAPPENED TO BE ON THE LOO AT THE SAME TIME. In the end, it happened to operate the water, thank God. VAT (Value Added Tax) Included in ALL THE PRICES so the price shown is the price paid - what a smart move. On the subject of VAT, if you buy lunch at The Pret or anywhere else and it's take-away, no VAT is charged. However if you eat in, they  add something like 129% (Actually I think it's about 17%). So.............. If you buy lunch as a take-away, leave through the front door and come in through the back door, you won't have to pay VAT. Am I  scamming the British Government by doing this ? INNOVATION At Virgin Records, you can take any cd and scan it into a machine and it will play you a sample of every track. Brilliant ! INTERNET CAFE IN YORK While I was in York, I searched everywhere for an internet cafe. Finally, some-one directed me to this antique mall that had a cafe upstairs. I headed up the stairs and looked around. There was a guy drinking coffee, working on a lap top. I searched everywhere, looking for the "Internet Cafe" and finally in desperation, I asked the clerk "Where is the internet cafe ?". He pointed to the guy on the laptop and said "Sorry we just have the one !". Is that false advertising ? FOR ALL YOU ROMANTICS - CUTEST REMARK An elderly couple, holding hands, were running to get on the tube. As they stepped on, the doors closed and trapped them in between.  He wrestled with the doors, got them both in and announced loudly to everyone "It's o.k, we're in love" PHANTOM HAND DRYER At the Three Legs Pub in Leeds I encountered the "Phantom Hand Dryer" in the men's toilet. When I put my hands under it, nothing  happened, the moment I took them away, it worked, when I thrust them back under, it stopped. Pretty much sums up my day in  Leeds ! MALE DRESS SENSE Britain is an amazing place for men's fashions. They make the boldest and brightest shirts and ties in the world. The only problem  appears to be that British males close their eyes tightly in the morning, reach into their closets, grab any shirt and tie, put them on  and THEN check their appearance as they make their way merrily to work. AND FINALLY..................... I have an admission to make. Actually, it's more of a confession. I have started jaywalking. Not just occasionally, but all the time.  Sometimes, like at band camp, I pretend that I am going to shoot across the road just to get the driver of the car really, really angry.  Memo to myself........behave yourself in public. JANUARY 22ND, 2005 O.K, the pressure's really on................most of you have found my escapades and observations amusing. Many of you are asking  me to continue tickling your funny bone so......................... The best part of my day is now spent searching out the sublime and the ridiculous, here in England (which isn't hard). Here goes............................... ODDEST REMARKS At the PRET, there is a guy that works behind the counter preparing latte's etc. Whenever I order a white tea, he yells (and I mean yells)  "ONE WHITE TEA, WHITE LIKE ME" ...................today I resolved to order a black tea just to mess with his mind ! He seemed  stumped............. BIGGEST RIP OFFS Movie tickets in Leceister Square - £ 10.50 (that's roughly $ 25.00 and it does not come with popcorn, a pop or a seaside cottage in Skegness) Currency Exchange - Now admittedly, this place was run by a guy who looked suspiciously like the mate of the mate of the mate of the  ticket scalper I tussled in Islington but he wanted to charge me a 10% commission to exchange £ 1000 in travellers cheques into £ 1000 in cash.  BEST VALUE IN LONDON A one week unlimited tube pass for Zones One and Two for £ 21.40. Where else can you pay close to $ 50.00 to be bustled, hustled,  jabbed, pushed, crushed, insulted, verbally abused by Leeds United Supporters and yes............groped for such little money ! BEST ROOM-MATE Other than my esteemed roomies in Maui (fortunately Ben was in another room !), I have the best room-mate. Talkative but not overly  so. He's from Queensland and his name is Dan. This is the second room-mate that I have had from Queensland in the last two weeks who is called Dan (the first one was the one from hell with the cell phone that kept going off throughout the night). I am currently theorizing this one..............could all guys from Queensland be called Dan or do they just mess with foreigners minds by calling themselves  Dan ? TOUR GROUP FROM HELL Dan was telling me last night that he has been on the road since December 12th. He has been granted a four year work visa in Britain  because his mother's, mother's, aunt's uncle's cousin's niece once knew some-one who lived in Britain (see the system really does work). He had spent five weeks in the U.S. I asked him about his adventures because, well (a) I'm nosey and (b) I need sources of inspiration. He did not disappoint. Seems he booked a one week guided tour of California with a one day gaunt to Las Vegas and the Grand Canyon. I asked him how he went. He paused (for a long time) and then said "Not Well - Mate". Why, I asked. Well he said "I booked it online and when I showed up, I found out it was a Chinese Tour Group and NO-ONE SPOKE ENGLISH ! Not even the tour operators or guides............welcome to the real world. PLEASE ADD BUM TO MY RESUME For any of you who knew the old Geoff, the new Geoff is making some radical changes. For example, I have not ironed a thing in 2 1/2 weeks, I shave about every five days (because I have a rechargeable razor and I can't be bothered to find an adaptor) and I wear, t-shirts, sweat shirts,jeans and trainers all the time. I do look a little scruffy but hey, I have become a world traveller and some things are unavoidable (Ben - I want to be just like you). It does however have an upside. Two nights ago, I was wandering around London (actually I was lost) and I happened across another PRET. It was 8.45pm. I went in and  asked the girl when they closed because it was cold, I was underdressed and I wanted a cup of tea. She said "9pm". I ordered a tea (shivering) and she asked me if I wanted anything to eat. I said "No". A couple of minutes later, she came over and asked if I would like a free donut. I devoured the thing in seconds. After she left, I thought about it. Was this a PRET thing to give food away just before they closed OR was she feeling sorry for me and felt perhaps that I was homeless. I hoped and prayed that it was the former. Curious by her offer, I decided to see if she made similar offers to other patrons. She didn't. So............either she thought I was thoroughly charming (stop laughing - I said STOP LAUGHING) or she thought I was a homeless bum. You decide. THINGS TO AVOID IN THE HOSTEL CAFETERIA 1. Old Chinese lady's who say "WHAT THAT ?" 2. Male Chinese students who want to use you as a cheap English tutorial. It happened this morning again, my response to him  "Parlez vous francais ?" . Worked like a charm. SAD REALITY After two and a half weeks here, I have come to the sad conclusion that Coronation Street Iis REALITY and England is in fact a T.V REALITY Show. KUDOS TO: Dove Soaps have just appointed a 95 year old lady to be their spokesperson. BIGGEST DISAPPOINTMENT OF THE DAY Nooooooooooooooooooooo Page Three Girl in The Sun BIGGEST REVELATION OF THE DAY The Sun ACTUALLY has articles in it ?. WHO would have GUESSED ? REVISED NEW YEAR'S RESOLUTION Read one of them...............one day.   WEIRDEST FASHION STATEMENT Three young women at the Tower Hill Tube Station all standing next to each other, all complete strangers, all wearing the IDENTICAL retro coat. Now for all my female friends, would this annoy the hell out of you ? Would you be flattered ? Would you care ? or would you punch each other out ? DISTURBING THING AT KING CROSS TUBE STATION A rat running along the tracks. DISTURBING POSTERS IN LEEDS I don't want to hit on poor Leeds again but throughout the city, they have these ginormous posters of RATS. With the caption:  "They are getting closer, keep Leeds clean" - yeah right ! CERTAIN PEOPLE LACK A SENSE OF HUMOUR At the PRET today (do you get the impression that I am a PRET Groupie ?) , I was served by a young Asian girl who's name was BING. I asked her if her last name was "GO" - Not EVEN a reaction.............how disappointing ! EMPLOYMENT SIGN IN THE WINDOW OF THE "PRET A MANGER" "We wear jeans, we make natural food, we don't work nights. We invest, train and develop our people. We value our staff immensely. We pay as much as our business will afford rather than as little as we can get away with" Copy and paste this and e-mail it to your boss. Sadly, I think they are a French company and they are just messing with British minds. They have never forgiven us for Waterloo (which by the way did not involve any toilets). BRITISH MALE FASHIONS Since I am a male (hold on, let me check - yes that's right) and I am British (hold on let me check), I feel that I can take enormous liberties with the way British men dress. I have covered the bold shirts and bold ties but I failed to mention a new and disturbing trend in England. It's called the GARZILLION WINDSOR KNOT. I have been absolutely captivated watching British men (no, not like that - I'm NOT gay) on the tubes, buses and in the pubs and the size of their......................wait for it............Windsor knots. They are ginormous. I was so fascinated that I stopped by a Men's Clothiers to find out the real secret behind these "Windsor Knots On Steroids". Anyway, here's the low down. Apparently these ties are actually 73 1/2 feet long and take approximately 3 1/2 hours to tie IF you know what you are doing. SOMETHING ODD ON THE TUBE For a moment I thought I was back in Maui. A guy carrying a full sized surfboard down the escalators at Kings Cross in London. Maybe he confused the meaning of a "Surf and Turf" dinner special ? THE NOT SO FUNNY THINGS ABOUT BRITAIN: ALARMING TREND Honestly, nothing surprises me in England. The latest fad called "SLAP HAPPY" (if you want to call it that) involves young thugs (yes, most probably Leeds United Supporters) approaching a person and slapping them across the face while a buddy takes a digital photo of their reaction on their cell phone. I guess this is considered funny. I would love to volunteer for this one because I would love them to catch my reaction one camera.  TASTELESS POSTCARDS These postcards show a woman's naked breast, with a pig face painted on it and the caption "ALL THE BREAST FROM LONDON". Now, I don't know about you but the rest of the world already categorizes English men as either totally charming (that's me, Ben and maybe Chris), soccer hooligans or snobs. I cannot imagine what postal workers must think as these cards make their way around the world. Can you imagine the postal worker in Nepal or Tibet ? What must they think of us ? HELPFUL VIRGIN EMPLOYEE Have you ever watched "A Fish Called Wanda" ? Well if you have the funniest scene is when John Cleese is hanging upside down  out of a window while he apologised profusely to Kevin Kline. The problem with British people is............we are toooooooooooooo nice. Yesterday, I was in Virgin Records and a guy asked a sales clerk "Can you tell me where I can find Pink Floyd". The clerk looked at him and replied "Under P" and walked off. The guy called after him and said "Thank You" ! WHY THE WELSH SHOULD NOT BE GIVEN INDEPENDENCE There is a brochure in the hostel that promotes a Welsh Tour Company called Shagging Sheep (sorry, typo Shaggy Sheep). BRIDGING THE CULTURAL DIVIDE A punk, in full regalia, with an enormous spiked mohawk (and I mean enormous.........it was so big it carried a warning for all low flying aircraft) carrying a placard promoting an East Indian Restaurant. I thought they beat up East Indians...............what's going on here ? MY FAVOURITE LONDON STREET Denmark Street because it's FULL of guitar shops. BIG DISAPPOINTMENT They don't rent guitars here...............but one clerk did offer to sell me one and buy it back for 1/2 price at the end of next week. Thanks ! I'M IN LOVE..................... She's 2 1/2 feet tall, her name is Martin and her body is made of ...................................mahogany. She's a guitar.............what did you think ? NEW GOAL IN LIFE Guess what, I am now considered a regular at The Porcupine (which incidentally was opened in 1725). I went in today and the bartender said "Your usual ?" It was just like being in Hilary's Restaurant (which is my favourite place in the whole wide world). Now for any of you that know me, I have been trying to get Chris and Hilary to re-name their breakfast special after me. I have purchased 20,000 of them in the last year and a half and STILL they won't budge - I'm not bitter. So.................................................. I have changed my focus and hopefully, if I drink enough, The Porcupine might change "JOHN SMITH'S EXTRA SMOOTH" to "GEOFF DOMINY'S EXTRA SMOOTH". What do you think................realistically do I have a chance ? I don't think so............................ Anyway, I'm off looking for more odd and interesting stuff to tell you about. P.S If you are not getting my humorous e-mails it means you are not on my A List - Sorry. However, here's the GOOD NEWS......... To be on my A List, simply send a large cash donation to GEOFF DOMINY c/o....... JANUARY 25TH, 2005  Well just when I thought I was going to run out of things to say, along came my daytrips to BRIGHTON, which is a picturesque town on the south coast of England and Ipswich/Colchester which is in Suffolk. So here goes..........I decided to call the first part of my e-mail...... MY DAYTRIP TO BRIGHTON (Brilliant !) I decided to go to Brighton for three reasons. Firstly, I am still looking for antique jewellery and I thought Brighton would be a good place to look. Secondly, I really wanted a day at the seaside because I miss the ocean so much (the Thames just doesn't do it for me) and thirdly, I am on the trail of the mythical and legendary BRIGHTON ROCK (made famous by the rock band Queen). The train ride was relatively uneventful. I think I must have dozed off because when I did wake up, everyone was looking at me. I immediately checked my fly (mainly because I have at times flown half mast) but everything seemed in order. Then it occurred to me that...........I may have been snoring (which is a very bad thing to do in a public place) and worse still, I may have been talking in my sleep (which is an almost lethal thing to do in a public place). Anyway, I wasn't about to ask anyone so I just decided to close my eyes and lay low. To be honest, I really didn't know too much about Brighton. My only recollection of the town was from the movie Quadrophenia by The Who. Set in the 60's, Brighton was a famous battleground for "MODS & ROCKERS". I knew that I was unlikely to encounter any on my daytrip and I was reasonably confident that if I did, I could take them because after all, they would be in their mid-sixties. Other than that, I know Brighton is famous for the vintage car rally and a football team that is sponsored by a firm called SKINT.  I am quite curious about this, a company called SKINT. What do they do for a living, do they make money (since the term skint in England means poor), do they pay their employees or do they say at payday "SORRY, WE'RE SKINT !". Imagine filing tax returns under the name SKINT ? I once knew a guy in Winnipeg who lived at 101 Easy Street. What an odd world................ My spirits sank as the train approached Brighton. All I could see were endless rows of identical houses in every direction. Prince Charles once went on a rant about British Architecture and he was right. British architects have made a living out of making boring geometric shapes (squares and rectangles) even more boring. To save money and foster equality, the Department Of Housing in England decided, in their infinite wisdom, to approve two styles of houses. In Brighton, they obviously opted for one - the row house. I had read once in a paper (certainly not The Sun because I only just found out they have articles) that the instance of wife swapping in England is on the increase and I think I know why. There are three factors at work here.......... Firstly, the typical English male (with the exception of Chris, Ben, myself and any of you who have English male friends or relatives) is rather dense. A 2 x 4 has more intelligence because, as one person once said, a 2 x 4 may one day become a reference book. Not so for the typical English male. Secondly, England is awash in cheap beer which seems to be consumed in copious quantities, especially by English men, and thirdly, after coming out of the pub totally pie-eyed, they try and go home but are faced with endless rows of houses that all look the same. It is my belief that many go home to the wrong house and jump into bed with the wrong woman. It's not really wife swapping, it's just a case of mistaken identity, isn't it ? It's just a theory but I think it has merit. Anyway, back to Brighton. I have devised this system for rating English cities and towns. It's not very scientific but it seems to work. Here it is (although it has not yet been patented): If a town has a PRET A MANGER that's good. If it's got more than one, it's really good. If it doesn't have one it's bad. If it's Leeds, who cares............... So far, London and York have had Pret's and I liked both of them, Harrogate didn't and nor did Leeds (although honestly, a PRET could not save this poor miserable city). So anyway, I was walking down the street and I happened to turn to the right and there it was - The PRET. Already, things were looking up. To add to my excitement, right next to the PRET was a shop called THE KNICKERBOX (which is the second best store name I have come across). Now, I need to digress here for a moment and talk about lady's knickers and men's underpants in Britain. Some store sell lady's knickers and men's briefs that are emblazoned with the union jack (which is the English flag). Now don't get me wrong, I am certainly not a Loyalist (more on the Queen later) but I am English and I really don't feel very comfortable knowing that my flag is.........well, how can I put it.........well you know what I mean. After all, England is steeped in history and tradition and this just does not seem right. It also begs the more important question, and I need to ask it: In a time of national mourning (let's say Queen Liz finally snuffs it) and all flags are flown at half mast, does this apply to UNION JACK KNICKERS & BRIEFS ? Anyway back to Brighton and the PRET. I went in, because I was DYING for a cuppa, and there was an Afro-American family behind me in the line up. I wanted to order a white tea but I really didn't want to offend them. I also didn't want to order a black tea because I may also offend them, so.........I ordered a tea with milk. The clerk looked at me as if I had just landed from Mars. A tea with milk ? Yes, a tea with milk. He looked at me for a moment and said, Ohhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh, you want a WHITE TEA ? What can you do, really................ After the tea, I headed down to the promenade in search of the BRIGHTON ROCK. Now for those of you who do not live in Britain, this thing is legendary. It is on par with the Loch Ness Monster, heard about but never seen. I started to walk along the promenade and suddenly, my pulse started to race, in the store fronts were loads and loads of rock candy. What is ROCK CANDY, you ask ?. It's another British invention that consists of sugar, sugar and more sugar that has been hydrothermically pressed into these ginormous sticks. They come in all colours (you can even suck on your favourite football team - not literally) and they are as hard as a rock (hence the name and the need to suck them). Apparently, the licorice variety are used by Leeds Riot Police as night sticks. The BRIGHTON ROCK is the mother of all rock candies. It's is truly the holy grail. The MOTHERLODE.  I could see in the distance a sign that said BRIGHTON ROCK and there was a crowd gathered outside the shop. Could this be it ? I ran (and I mean ran) down the street and rather impolitely pushed my way to the front (it's o.k, I only knocked down the old ladies and the small kids) and THERE IT WAS in all it's glory. Measuring in at 2 1/2 feet long, 7 inches in diameter, weighing at least 100 pounds and consisting of about 7,456,678 calories - THE BRIGHTON ROCK. I went inside to get a closer look. Could I touch it, I asked. "YES" said the clerk (this is unbelievable, I thought), "Can I photograph it ? "NO" said the clerk "WHY, I pleaded "Because in hours it will be all over the internet and the myth will be broken". I tell you, without a word of a lie, it was the most incredible thing I have ever seen. Seriously, this puppy would take two people sucking non-stop 327 days to eat. I thanked the girl and left, satisfied that if nothing else this trip to England and Europe was a complete success. From there I headed down to the pier. There were originally two but one burnt down and the ruins can still be seen. The remaining pier (called the East Pier) is just one gigantic penny arcade but it did bring back fond memories of when I was 8 and I used to frequent the penny arcades in Ventnor on the Isle Of White. I was really getting peckish, so I decided to order Fish Cakes, Chips and Mushy Peas. In England, they have so many varieties of fish. I think honestly, that they make some of them up but I have no proof. It was certainly a mistake to order the FISH CAKE because, well, they can get away with murder by using the words "FISH CAKE". As long as it is fish related, anything goes. Gills, scales, bones, tail, all that neat stuff, under British Law, is quite acceptable. The chips were o.k (except they were served in a sleeve and when I dosed them with malt vinegar, it all came out the bottom and covered my jeans and trainers. I just knew that I would be popular on the train ride home. I just hoped it wouldn't be the same crowd !.  Memo to myself, try and sit in a carriage with no other people, don't fall asleep, don't snore and please God, don't talk in your sleep - a tall order in deed.  Now onto the MUSHY PEAS. I really wish the Old Chinese Lady, from the hostel. was with me because there is no way she could wrap her head around these babies. What are MUSHY PEAS, let me explain: Firstly, I want to go on record as saying I love peas, I like the taste, the colour and of all the vegetables, I find them the least offensive. Why on earth my fellow countrymen decided to mutilate these poor creatures is beyond me but they did and continue to do to this day. The recipe, it's quite simple: You herd (that's apparently the correct term) a large quantity of these poor defenceless creatures into a pot of boiling water and then you boil them for 17 days, 6 hours, 45 minutes and 7 seconds. At that EXACT POINT, the peas give up, lose control of all their bodily functions and totally disintegrate. The result, a somewhat lumpy green slime that would make any Martian proud..............it also TASTES GREAT.   OTHER OBSERVATIONS: As I walked along the promenade, there was a shop that was running a sale. The windows were full of posters depicting naked men (from the rear) with the caption "WE'VE TAKEN MORE OFF" (actually, they've taken everything off - does that mean everything's FREE) and I wondered if the same company that thought up the RAT POSTERS in Leeds were also responsible for these posters. I also happened across a shop that had an antique jewellery sign out front. I ventured in, only to be told, by a very charming young lady, that they didn't have any antique jewellery. "Sorry" she said "It's an old sign". Can you say "YORK INTERNET CAFE ?" The other good things about Brighton, other than the aforementioned:  Beer as cheap as £ 1.39. A bar/restaurant called "THE AUSTRALASIAN BAR", how odd ??? Posters promoting AUSTRALIA DAYS ON JANUARY 26th (I think they really love Aussie's in Brighton). The most incredible Chocolate Shop that said "NAUGHTY & NICE". The nice part, a chess board and chess pieces made entirely of white and dark chocolate.The naughty parts, well, you can imagine. Feeling a little inadequate, I must say ! The promenade and beach that is covered with a garzillion, garzillion pebbles (not a grain of sand in sight). Oh I forgot, the trains had the most enormous aisles, typical, because today, I had NO LUGGAGE - that's just plain mean.   Now onto the Queen. I may be charged with treason, but here goes: I must say I went off the Queen (hereafter referred to as Q) a while back when she felt obliged to ask the British Taxpayers to foot the restoration bill for Windsor Castle. I mean, after all, she is the richest lady in the world, I think. Prince Charles, well, I used to like him but after his treatment of Princess Di, I really cooled on him becoming King. I like Wills but poor old Harry.......Caught at a friends birthday party wearing a replica of Rommel's North African infantry uniform complete with swastikas. Daddy was not amused, nor was Q. He has since been banished to a pig farm in Cornwall and has been forbidden from seeing his gorgeous girlfriend. She apparently is also not amused and is looking elsewhere (yeah right......)  Too bad because when I arrived, both Princes had made the headlines by rolling up their sleeves and helping at an aid centre for the survivors of the tsunami's. Anyway back to Q. I went by Buck Palace (as my roomie Dan calls it) a couple of nights ago. I know she was home because the flag was flying at full mast. Do you know, every single light was on in the house....................what is the world coming to when our Monarch blatantly flaunts the energy conservation policy of this fine country. Memo to myself, send her a letter at the very least.  MY DAYTRIP TO IPSWICH & COLCHESTER You know the more I think about it, the more I realise how little I know about the country of my birth. I am not bad on the history or geography parts and I can list all the professional football teams, their ground names and their club nicknames but other than that, I am completely stumped. Take, for example, Ipswich and Colchester. About all I knew about Ipswich was that it had a football team, they played at Portman Road and that it was on the ocean. Well, I was wrong, it's not on the ocean, it's on the River Orwell (probably named after George). Colchester, was an important Roman settlement and it also has a football team that knocked Leeds out of the F.A Cup many, many years ago. I was pretty sure that the Roman's had left but it did cross my mind that perhaps some of the Colchesterians (I think that's what they are called) may still favour the old togo routine. Anyway, my day started off in typical English fashion. I found the right railway station and I thought I had found the right train. The sign clearly said "TRAIN TO IPSWICH - PLATFORM 8". Now I do consider myself to be reasonably intelligent (stop laughing....................Mum) but I was not really prepared for what was about to happen next. As I sat on the train waiting for the lights to turn green, the conductor came up to me and said:   CONDUCTOR:  "Where are you going ?" ME: (Is this a trick question) Ipswich CONDUCTOR: Not on this train you're not. ME: Why ? CONDUCTOR: Because the rear end of the train ain't going anywhere, only the front end. ME: You're kidding CONDUCTOR: No  Now, who would have thought that a train would pull into a platform and only HALF of it would leave !  Really...................... I settled back and sure enough, this homeless bum came into the carriage and sat across the aisle from me. I am not sure how he could afford the £ 26 fare but he definitely was a bum because he had a sign on his back that said "LOOK AT ME - I'M A HOMELESS BUM AND I SMELL BAD". I am not sure who annoyed me the most, the businessman who talked continually on his cell phone or the bum. I think it was the guy on the cell phone. The train arrived in Ipswich and I realised immediately that this town had it's priorities right. The first sign I saw said "FOOTBALL GROUND" on top and "TOWN CENTRE" on the bottom. I followed the town centre sign. Now you need to bear with me on this one. The sign told me to turn to the left. Down the road, another sign said to turn to the right. A short distance later, another sign told me to turn to the right and probably no more than 100 yards further down the street, another sign told me to turn to the right. WHERE DO YOU THINK I ENDED UP ? Right back where I started ! This was not a good introduction to Ipswich. I decided to use my primeval skills and wing it. I headed due something and eventually found another "TOWN CENTRE" sign that pointed RIGHT AT the police station. I could not believe it. I stopped a lady and asked her help, she smiled at my predicament and pointed me in the right direction. Ipswich must be an exciting town because I walked by several posters advertising the upcoming NEIL DIAMOND concert (honestly, I thought he was dead) and R.E.M (it's getting better). I finally found the town centre and started my search for THE PRET. I have to say that I really like Ipswich. Other than the nonsensical signs, it's clean and has a nice blend of old and new building. Clearly, the architects that designed Brighton did not migrate further north than London. Sadly, Ipswich does not have a PRET and so I have now scrapped my grading system. It does have an HMV and also VIRGIN RECORDS so I really can't trash it too much. I do however, need to revise my system and come up with something that works. I strolled around the town for a good couple of hours, found some antiques, went for a beer and then decided that the prices were too high. I ambled back to the station and asked the girl if I could stop off at Colchester using my day saver ticket. "Of course but just make sure you don't put your pass into one of the machines, otherwise it will gobble it up and you will have to buy a new ticket". Sage advice, I thought. I jumped on the train and made it to Colchester. Remembering her advice, I headed for a train clerk and explained what I wanted to do. He was positive that I could put the pass into the machine. "Are you sure ?", "Yes", "Are you positive", "YES, in fact, if that machine eats your pass, I will publicly flog myself". How odd ? Although it was likely to cost me £ 10 I decided to take his advice. To be honest, part of me hoped that it would gobble up my pass because I think the citizens of Colchester would thoroughly enjoy a good public flogging - especially if it involved a rail employee. Might appeal to their Roman sensibilities. Sadly, the machine spat out my ticket. He smiled and I went merrily on my way. Now you would think that the smart thing to do, when venturing into a new town, would be to buy a map. Well that would be too easy. Instead, like most typical males, who never read instruction booklets or ask for directions, I like to amble aimlessly through the streets of any given town trying to pretend that I am not lost. Had I consulted a map, I would have realised that the town centre is about 47 miles from the railway station ! I walked for what seemed days. My feet started to rebel, my legs hurt and having encountered a rogue pint of beer the night before (you know the one that hits you for six and then hits you for another six), my head started to pound as well. I did not encounter any Roman's on my way into town and to be honest, the 45 minute walk was a complete waste of time. I don't want to rag on Colchester (they don't have a PRET either) but I think when the Romans left, they took all the good parts. Disappointed, I decided to head back to the station. Within minutes, I was LOST. However, unlike most males, I did ask for directions and then for some reason, decided not to heed their advice. Finally, a very nice Math Teacher from Spain pointed me in the right direction and I found my way back to the station. As I was getting on the train, an Irish Nun walked up behind me. Now maybe it's all those years of attending an Irish Catholic Convent School (why I am not sure) but honestly, they scare the pants off me (Sorry Stephanie and Elaine). The fact that I had The Sun newspaper tucked under my arm did not help. I decided to let her on first (not because I was being gentlemanly but because I wanted to suss out where she was sitting so that I could sit as far away as possible). I did note the crestfallen expression on the face of the guy who was also reading The Sun at the precise moment the nun decided to sit across from him. A sad sight indeed. An hour later, I was back to civilization again..................LONDON or as the locals call it THE SMOKE. INTERESTING SIGN ON THE TUBES These signs advise riders that video cameras are currently being installed in all stations and that if anyone is caught abusing staff or equipment, they will be dealt with appropriately. Very comforting for the people using the tubes. I guess if some-one beats the living daylights out of me it's fine. I have resigned myself to the fact that if this happens, I will beat the living daylights out of a tube employee so that some-one rushes to HIS aid and saves ME ! IN THE NEWSPAPERS TODAY It seems a young lady, who is a nurse at a nursery, was pulled over because the constable thought she was talking on a cell phone while driving. It turned out she was holding an apple. He still gave her a ticket. After 10 court appearances, 13 months of legal wrangling and £ 10,000 in costs, she was finally convicted and fined £ 60 plus £ 100 in court costs. Now this one's for you JENI..........wait for it because it's another example of my LAME SENSE OF HUMOUR. If that had happened to me, I would have AP-PEELED it and then eaten the evidence. AND FINALLY............................. To my two roomies from Valencia, Spain who set their alarms for 4am on Monday morning (actually they set their alarms to go off five minutes apart just to really, really, really bug Dan and I), turned on all the lights, spent the next hour packing and then left without shutting the lights off. I HOPE YOUR FLIGHT WAS DELAYED BIG TIME AND MORE THAN ANYTHING ELSE, I HOPE MY FRIEND THE COCAINE SNIFFER, FROM YORK, SITS NEXT TO YOU ALL THE WAY HOME - SAFE TRAVELS. JANUARY 27TH, 2005 You know it's funny, after only three weeks on the road it already feels like I have been gone for an eternity. Strangely, London is starting to feel more like home than Vancouver. Previously, I have only managed to last a week in London before I went crazy, now I look forward to getting back from my daytrips. If I could only have everyone on my A List here, life would be complete.  Here's some more interesting and hopefully funny observations.  UPDATE ON COLCHESTER  My apologies to Colchester because in The Sun (yes....I have now started to read the articles), there WAS an article on the County of Essex and it said that Colchester is the oldest town in Britain at 2,700 years old. Apparently, Queen Bodicea visited the town in AD70. I still think the Romans took all the best parts with them. I also think they should move the town closer to the railway station.........is that possible ? KUDOS FOR THE WEIRDEST OUTFIT I don't care what Mr Blackwell says, the lady on the tube the other day, wore the most outlandish outfit I have ever seen on another human being. Brown fur hat, a black and white jacket that seriously looked like two rabid skunks had been thrown into a washing machine and then put into a spin dryer (it looked like black and white shag carpeting on steroids), a leopard skin print skirt (fortunately a real leopard did not have to suffer the humiliation) and pink suede sandals. If Britain is ever drawn into another war, this woman could be our new secret weapon. Forget about sending Leeds United Supporters to the front line, this gal would be all we really need. USELESS TUBE STATION I am not sure why London has the Covent Garden Tube Station because by the time the rear end of the train leaves Covent Garden, the front end is already in Leicester Square. To add to it all, it has three elevators instead of escalators and is a sight to be hold in rush hour.  STREET MUSICIANS Whether it is on the street or in the tube stations, I have never heard such talented musicians. So far I have listened to operatic singers, harpists, accordion players, folk, blues, hard rock, you name it, it's here and it's amazing. If the "Naughty & Nice" Chocolate Shop was making me feel inadequate, these guys may just have finished off the job. HOT TIP  I strongly recommend the debut cd by Thirteen Senses called The Invitation. It is BRILLIANT. I think these guys must have been former tube buskers. Imagine Coldplay but a million times better. DISTURBING TREND Apparently, in order the curb violence, the various boroughs are planning on installing CCTV cameras in the toilets. Not quite the Antiques Road Show. Memo to my agent (do I have an agent ?) avoid this gig at all costs. I'm starting to get paranoid. Not the best place to be looking around as you are..... NEW WAR IN BRITAIN It seems Britain is faced with a new war. However, in this war, no-one is likely to get hurt. Britain is having a BANANA WAR. Honestly, nothing ceases to amaze me. The CEO of one of the big supermarket chains did wade into the battle, defending the low prices by declaring "these are bananas we normally wouldn't buy or sell". Very comforting to know. I am sure my old boss at Maynards (actually he is one of the owners) would love this one having referred to his employees once as monkey's. Can you say...........cut wage costs ! T.V PRESENTER SACKED Back in the 60's, Rodney Marsh was a household name. He was a gifted football player who tended to make the headlines for all the wrong reasons. Well times have not changed. The other day, Rodney was talking about David Beckham and why he would never play for Newcastle. He stated "Becks won't go to Newcastle after what the TOON ARMY did in Asia". The toon army refers to the Newcastle fans who ran rampant in Asia during a Far Eastern tour. It took me a while to get this one but if you say TOON ARMY really fast, you'll see what I mean. NEWS HEADLINES One in four teenagers in Britain, aged between 14 and 17, are YOBBO's. I never realised that Leeds United had such a broad fan base. GROCERIES I don't understand.......................in England, groceries are cheaper than in Canada but the price of a meal out is 2 1/2 times more expensive. BIG CONTROVERSY One of the hottest plays in London - THE JERRY SPRINGER OPERA. I can't quite get my head around this one. I am seriously wandering what happens when the Jerry Springer mentality clashes with the Coronation Street mentality. Apparently over 40,000 people have called in to complain about the BBC televising it..............................here's my advice..........T.V's now have an on/off button.........USE IT. STRANGE FEELING As I was wandering around Colchester..............O.K..........I was lost, I met a Spanish Math Teacher who was kind enough to point me in the right direction. He made a curious comment. He asked me what it was like to be a "Foreigner in my own country" BIGGEST RUSH Heading for the tube station during rush hour the WRONG WAY. Better than any roller coaster in the world. The amazing thing..............everyone's so polite and orderly. HOW TO SPOT A NORTH AMERICAN MALE IN BRITAIN He's wearing a baseball cap HOW TO SPOT A BRITISH MALE IN BRITAIN Well, depending on the night of the week, he's usually drunk or near drunk and he's not wearing a baseball cap. DID SOMEONE MOVE COAL HARBOUR ? I visited Canary Wharf yesterday afternoon. Built by the Bronfmann Brothers (who are Canadian), it has long been considered a white elephant. I was amazed when I got there. It was like some-one had moved Coal Harbour (which is an area of Vancouver) and plonked it in London. Everything was Canada this, Canada that and the complex consisted of gleaming high rises and a massive mall similar to Pacific Centre. It really was quite disconcerting because I felt so out of place. Could this be happening after only 3 weeks away from home ? The mall also had FOUR PRET A MANGERS. Now I know my grading system is not working ! There was one interesting feature, a wall that had approximately 3200 history plaques, set on wires at right angles to the wall, covering just about every historical event you could imagine. The complex also had an Afro-American "Hitler" style security guard, I could only imagine the damage he could do with a night stick. A little over the top but I guess that is a sign of the times.   On the tube back, I noticed an advert from the BLUEWATER CHALLENGE. This is an around the world yacht race, 30,000 nautical miles, 8 ports of call (I hope they have toilets on board) and 8 identical yachts (I hope they don't serve booze). The really interesting part..................NO EXPERIENCE REQUIRED. Is this a great idea or a recipe for disaster. Thought I might check out their website.............no really........... CHELSEA..................... After years of supporting a team that loves to lose (Leeds), I have now switched to supporting a team that loves to win (Chelsea). Semi-Final, 2nd Leg, Carling Cup, Chelsea vs Man Utd. Pub full of beer drinking, chain smoking football fanatics. Could you ask for anything more.................... yes..............Chelsea won 2-1. Thank you, thank you, thank you.............. NEW ROOMIE In addition to Dan, we had another new roomie last night. He introduced himself (I haven't a clue what he said). Here's a snippet of our conversation: ME: So, where are you from ? HIM: India ME: Really, how long are you here for ? HIM: One day. ME: Where are you going from here ? HIM: Back home to Preston. ME: Oh, I thought you said you were from India. HIM: No, I am from Preston.  Now I have never been to Preston but I have heard stories. I cannot imagine the culture shock of moving from New Delhi to Preston. Somewhat like moving from Toronto to Vancouver (low blow) OR moving from Leeds to anywhere else in the world (even lower blow).  MY DAYTRIP TO NEWARK & LINCOLN